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(Newser) – Ariana Grande is expressing her feelings for the first time about the death of ex-boyfriend Mac Miller—in a note written directly to him, reports. 'I adored you from the day I met you when I was nineteen and I always will,' the 25-year-old singer writes along with of Miller laughing. 'I can't believe you aren’t here anymore.

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I really can't wrap my head around it. We talked about this. So many times. I'm so mad, I'm so sad I don’t know what to do. You were my dearest friend. Above anything else.' Miller, 26, was found unresponsive by paramedics at his LA home last week and declared dead soon after, recalls.

Despite an autopsy, there's been no official cause of the death for the rapper who many believe. Grande, who's now with Saturday Night Live star Pete Davidson, dated Miller for two years. 'I'm so sorry I couldn’t fix or take your pain away,' she writes of the rapper who was open about his substance abuse and depression. 'I really wanted to. The kindest, sweetest soul with demons he never deserved. I hope you’re okay now. (See why Grande had to shut down comments on.).